Time to revive an old favorite!
"It's a Start" takes a look at the first sentence (or so) of books plucked randomly from the Acorn bookshelves. You can find Parts I-VI along with my later "It's a Start: Work in Progress" posts here.
I don't get paid to do this and have no real credentials, so my comments are just one reader's thoughts. If you feel differently, speak up! That's what the comments section is for. Note: Maximum number of stars = 5.
The week before I left my family and Florida and the rest of my minor life to go to boarding school in Alabama, my mother insisted on throwing me a going away party. Looking for Alaska, by John Green
As I noted in an earlier post, this book really didn't do much for me, but I do love this first sentence. We get some sense of the main character and his voice ("minor life"? "insisted"?). We get setting. We get a hint of the change that is about to set the plot in motion. So much accomplished in so few words. Stars: ****
I was supposed to play the piano. A Crooked Kind of Perfect, by Linda Urban
Talk about accomplishing a lot in a few words! We know our MC believes she was supposed to play the piano. Why? We can infer from this statement that she does not play the piano. Why not? This sentence involves the reader right off the bat and respects our intelligence. A lovely sentence, simple and yet complex. Much like the book itself. Stars: *****
The day I broke up with my boyfriend Evan was the day he wrote the song. Audrey, Wait! by Robin Benway
Again, we have a first sentence that tells us something has just changed in the narrator's life: a breakup. We also have a teaser. What song? We also have a bit of a play for empathy. Anyone who has been through a breakup knows this ex-boyfriend-writing-a-song scenario can't be good. Stars: ****
When Eddie B. dared me to walk the net bridge over the Elijah Hatchett River where we'd seen an alligator and another kid got bit by a coral snake, I wasn't scared--I just didn't feel like doing it right then. Violet Raines Almost Got Struck by Lightning, by Danette Haworth
I love spunky main characters (and who doesn't?), so this grabs me right away. Again we have setting. And you can't help but feel there's more than just a hint of foreshadowing in there, can you? Net bridges, alligators and snakes, oh my! Stars: *****
Of all the kids in the seventh grade at Camillo Junior High, there was one kid that Mrs. Baker hated with heat whiter than the sun. Me. The Wednesday Wars, by Gary D. Schmidt
Can you say, "conflict"? Sheesh! A teacher who hates our MC with a "heat whiter than the sun." Why? And what does she have in store for him? A great first sentence from my current Favorite Kid Lit Writer on the Face of the Earth. Stars: ****
That's it for this post. Not sure what's up with all the first-person narrators this time around, but they sure make for some compelling starts! What did you think of these?
Showing posts with label It's a Start. Show all posts
Showing posts with label It's a Start. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Saturday, March 1, 2008
It's a Start: Work in Progress Edition III
Welcome to the third edition of It's a Start: Work in Progress. This edition will take a look at five "entries."
If you'd like to submit your novel's beginning for a future post, please go ahead and leave the first 8-12 lines of your MG or YA work in progress in the comments section or send me a Personal Message via the Verla Kay Blue Boards (where I am known as LindaBudz).
Once again, the disclaimer: I'm not an agent or an editor and have no real standing to offer these critiques. My opinion may not reflect the opinion of anyone else in the kid-lit world, much less publishers, so please take my comments for what they are ... one person's reaction.
The Memoirs of Shadows (Young Adult), by Dhonielle
I know I’ll never be free. Grand-mère told me the summer after the shadows came that they’d follow me for life. She let me inside her forbidden room, the one she always shooed me and my older brother Devon away from each summer when our parents sent us down to Louisiana . Sitting inside this room with a blue-draped doorway, she lit bumpy, finger-like candles and sticks that smoked and ashed, clogging the dark room with scents which made my head float in air water. I was only twelve when I watched my Creole grandmother drop bones from a bag and pray, waving her heavy hands in the air, all the bangles and bracelets she wore jangling; her fluffy white hair billowing around her like storm clouds trapped on top of her head; her skin the color of the pistachio shells buried in her pocket, reddening beneath candlelight.
Her wrinkly hands spread the little bones out on the table and I fixated on the cataract in her left eye overtaking her brown pupil. I’d been afraid to look at those bones, for fear that the animal from which she retrieved them would somehow rise again on that black covered table, the bones reassembling themselves, linking together, finding one another and the animal would hiss and leap from the table, eventually slinking away somewhere in the house. I remember her saying, “Petit, those shadows you see are things God left behind. You know when he created the world. Keep quiet about them to keep them safe. You’re a special girl.”
Wow, this piece has such a distinct mood ... the lyrical writing, the imagery, the voice and the subject matter all combine wonderfully to create a sense of "shadowy" foreboding. Nicely done!
In general, literary stuff isn't my bag, so you can take my criticism with a grain of salt. I guess my main thought here is that I'm hoping the next paragraph is going to bring us back to the present, or to the time when the story that's about to be told occurs. I feel like most of these two paragraphs are backstory, though since they're interesting backstory, I don't mind. But I would want to get to the current story pretty quickly. I also want to find out soon how old the MC is now.
Which brings me to my only other issue: At first I thought that first paragraph was discussing two separate things: (1) the summer after the shadows came and her grandmother told her they'd follow her for life and (2) one time when she was twelve and her grandmother did a reading of the bones. It wasn't until I read it over again that I realized it is all one scene. I think maybe you could take out "I was only twelve when," which to my mind signal a shift in scenes, and work in the fact that she was twelve some other way.
Overall: Gorgeous writing. Makes me want to think about giving literary YA another look!
Afterside (Young Adult), by Lisa
Mateo Santiago crouched in the grocery store basement and watched the rat he'd failed to trap slither behind some potato sacks. He unfolded Mama's letter of hopeless dreams from his pocket, smoothed it out and read it one more time. Last night, meaning to throw them both away, he'd crumpled it in his pocket along with the poster for the poetry slam in Mainville. How could he tell Mama trouble had found him just like Esteban?
Noche crept to his side on three legs and rubbed against him, purring like an idling truck. Mateo dug out a few meat strips from his apron pocket. "Aqui, un poquito." The cat nibbled daintily and licked his palm with its rough tongue.
Mateo rubbed under Noche's chin. She purred louder. "Tío will kill me if he finds out I'm feeding you. If I don't come around anymore, how will you eat, you lazy cat?"
Ray's hoarse voice called down the stairs. "Matty! Dude, you down there? You better come up. There's people here lookin' for you."
OK, that last quote took us beyond the 12-sentence limit, but I left it in there because the language works so beautifully in contrast with the first few paragraphs. Again, we have great writing and voice. And lots of strong verbs: crouched, slither, smoothed, crumpled ... all in the first paragraph! I'm intrigued to know what trouble has found Mateo ... who are these people who are looking for him?
I'm sort of digging for something to criticize here, so this is kind of picky, but "letter of hopeless dreams" took me out of the scene a bit. I had to think about what that might mean, and I'm still not sure. I think maybe it would be better just to say "letter" for now and then later we can learn more about what's in it.
Overall: Makes me long to be back in your crit group so I can read the rest, Lis!
Blue (Middle Grade), by Heather
"Are you sure that it is safe?" asked Prince Nicholas, gazing up the trunk of the large tree.
Kelly sighed and impatiently pushed a strand of blonde hair out of her eyes. "Yes, I'm sure. Don't be such a wimp."
"I'm not a wimp," Nicholas said, frowning.
"Then prove it. Race me to the top of the tree," Kelly said, shooting a challenging look at her cousin.
"Fine," said Nicholas, resolutely straightening his shoulders as he stood in front of the tree.
Kelly took her place on the opposite side of the tree. "Ready...set...go!" she said, and the two began climbing.
Starting with dialogue can be tricky business, but I think this works. "Are you sure it's safe?" sets us right down into some good conflict. Makes me think something bad is going to come of this tree-climbing race. Which is good! Get those characters into some hot water and keep them there. I'm also starting to get a sense of these characters ... one a bit more cautious than the other, which you've done a good job of showing us rather than telling us.
A couple of thoughts: First, we know Nicholas is a prince, which made me wonder what Kelly is. She must have some sort of noble title, and I'd like to know what that is.
Second, most of your dialogue tags follow the same pattern, which got repetitious for me: "asked, gazing"; "said, frowning"; "said, shooting"; "said, straightening." I would just delete the tag on a couple of those. For example: "Then prove it. Race me to the top of the tree." Kelly shot a challenging look at her cousin. "Fine." Nicholas straightened his shoulders. If you have the action follow the quote, we know who's talking and don't need the tag. (And in that last sentence, I don't think we need "as he stood in front of the tree" since we already know he was gazing up its trunk.)
Overall: Hard to tell from this small snippet, but it seems as though you have two engaging characters, and I want to know what happens when they get to the top of that tree.
Triple Threat: A Theatre Novel in Three Acts (Middle Grade), by Steve
Act One
Permission to Audition
Overture
I was in kindergarten the first time I ever saw Duncan Kirby. He was on stage dressed in a penguin suit, tap dancing with eleven other five and six-year-olds in a Sunday matinee of Mr. Popper’s Penguins at the Fremont Gap Community Theatre, better known as FGCT, over six years ago.
That was the day I decided to become an actor.
My name is Wyatt Appleby. I’ll be twelve as of 10:42 today, Friday, August 24. Monday I start sixth grade at James Van Allen Middle School here in Fremont Gap, Iowa, home of the University of Western Iowa. Go Cougars!
And I am in love.
There’s no girl involved. No, I am in love with Theatre. Theatre with a capital T. (And an RE at the end instead of an ER.)
I won’t give Duncan all the credit, but seeing a kid my own age so talented, I pictured me on stage, too. Every time I saw him in a show I wanted it even more.
Well, well. Wyatt Appleby is something else, isn't he? What a voice. I love that he knows exactly what time he turns twelve. I love that he spells Theatre with a capital T and an "re" at the end. I love that he decided to become an actor at the ripe old age of six. And the way he proclaims he’s in love … he clearly has a flair for drama. Terrific!
My thoughts, fairly picayune: (1) I’d save the “better known as FGCT” for later in the story. Got in the way a bit for me here in the first paragraph. (2) I think in that last paragraph it should be “I pictured myself….”
Overall: Not sure what a "theatre novel" is, but so far, so good! I definitely want to continue reading about this kid. Regardless of the plot, the theme, the story arc … your writing and voice are enough to draw me in. (Of course, the plot, theme and story arc all do need to be there in the final analysis.)
Declaration (Young Adult), by Cyndy
This isn't my story. Senior year, I was just the girl that scribbled in the back of the room. I wrote for the school newspaper, Dragon's Fire, reporting on homecoming preparations, chess club, the demands for more student parking on campus. The job came with the title Editor-in-Chief, one of those nobody positions that looks great on college applications.
My real claim to fame was being Abby's best friend. She and her boyfriend, Big John, were First Couple at Massey High School. Head cheerleader. Captain of the football team. Luck, or maybe Fate, had seated me behind Abby on our first day of kindergarten. People don't think much about those little things that day to day change the course of your life. But that friendship made me an insider for the next thirteen years. It was the reason I knew all the players in the drama to come. Big John and Abby. Siggi. Crazy Sam. Benji Franks.
It was Benji who told me: "Marcy, there are the immovable, the movable, and those who move. And in addition, there are those who move nothing more than a pencil, but who may be the strongest movers of all."
So, although this isn't my story, maybe it is my story to tell. And here it is: the events, the personalities, and maybe some commentary on life at Massey High as it unfolded that year. As I remember, it all started in Ms. Wheatley's Honors American Revolution class.
OK, this one went beyond my 12-word limit too, but hey, it’s my blog, and I can bend the rules when I want.
I can tell right off the bat I’m going to like Marcy. Partly because of my journalism background, I’m sure, but also because she knows her place in the world. She’s not a mover or a shaker, but she hangs with people who are and wants to report on them. An unusual viewpoint for us to hear a story from and one that intrigues me.
The writing here is great, very clean and clear. I think my only question is this: Although Marcy sees herself as a “reporter” in this tale, will she also have a stake in it? Because readers don’t care so much about things that happen, they care about the people they happen to. If Marcy is our narrator, I think it will work best if we see that she will in some way be affected by the outcome of events in the story.
Overall: Exceptional writing. I would definitely keep reading.
Thanks to Dhonielle, Lisa, Heather, Steve and Cyndy for allowing me to give my reactions to their first sentences. I invite all visitors to leave your own thoughts in the comments section. Continued best wishes for your works in progress!
If you'd like to submit your novel's beginning for a future post, please go ahead and leave the first 8-12 lines of your MG or YA work in progress in the comments section or send me a Personal Message via the Verla Kay Blue Boards (where I am known as LindaBudz).
Once again, the disclaimer: I'm not an agent or an editor and have no real standing to offer these critiques. My opinion may not reflect the opinion of anyone else in the kid-lit world, much less publishers, so please take my comments for what they are ... one person's reaction.
The Memoirs of Shadows (Young Adult), by Dhonielle
I know I’ll never be free. Grand-mère told me the summer after the shadows came that they’d follow me for life. She let me inside her forbidden room, the one she always shooed me and my older brother Devon away from each summer when our parents sent us down to Louisiana . Sitting inside this room with a blue-draped doorway, she lit bumpy, finger-like candles and sticks that smoked and ashed, clogging the dark room with scents which made my head float in air water. I was only twelve when I watched my Creole grandmother drop bones from a bag and pray, waving her heavy hands in the air, all the bangles and bracelets she wore jangling; her fluffy white hair billowing around her like storm clouds trapped on top of her head; her skin the color of the pistachio shells buried in her pocket, reddening beneath candlelight.
Her wrinkly hands spread the little bones out on the table and I fixated on the cataract in her left eye overtaking her brown pupil. I’d been afraid to look at those bones, for fear that the animal from which she retrieved them would somehow rise again on that black covered table, the bones reassembling themselves, linking together, finding one another and the animal would hiss and leap from the table, eventually slinking away somewhere in the house. I remember her saying, “Petit, those shadows you see are things God left behind. You know when he created the world. Keep quiet about them to keep them safe. You’re a special girl.”
Wow, this piece has such a distinct mood ... the lyrical writing, the imagery, the voice and the subject matter all combine wonderfully to create a sense of "shadowy" foreboding. Nicely done!
In general, literary stuff isn't my bag, so you can take my criticism with a grain of salt. I guess my main thought here is that I'm hoping the next paragraph is going to bring us back to the present, or to the time when the story that's about to be told occurs. I feel like most of these two paragraphs are backstory, though since they're interesting backstory, I don't mind. But I would want to get to the current story pretty quickly. I also want to find out soon how old the MC is now.
Which brings me to my only other issue: At first I thought that first paragraph was discussing two separate things: (1) the summer after the shadows came and her grandmother told her they'd follow her for life and (2) one time when she was twelve and her grandmother did a reading of the bones. It wasn't until I read it over again that I realized it is all one scene. I think maybe you could take out "I was only twelve when," which to my mind signal a shift in scenes, and work in the fact that she was twelve some other way.
Overall: Gorgeous writing. Makes me want to think about giving literary YA another look!
Afterside (Young Adult), by Lisa
Mateo Santiago crouched in the grocery store basement and watched the rat he'd failed to trap slither behind some potato sacks. He unfolded Mama's letter of hopeless dreams from his pocket, smoothed it out and read it one more time. Last night, meaning to throw them both away, he'd crumpled it in his pocket along with the poster for the poetry slam in Mainville. How could he tell Mama trouble had found him just like Esteban?
Noche crept to his side on three legs and rubbed against him, purring like an idling truck. Mateo dug out a few meat strips from his apron pocket. "Aqui, un poquito." The cat nibbled daintily and licked his palm with its rough tongue.
Mateo rubbed under Noche's chin. She purred louder. "Tío will kill me if he finds out I'm feeding you. If I don't come around anymore, how will you eat, you lazy cat?"
Ray's hoarse voice called down the stairs. "Matty! Dude, you down there? You better come up. There's people here lookin' for you."
OK, that last quote took us beyond the 12-sentence limit, but I left it in there because the language works so beautifully in contrast with the first few paragraphs. Again, we have great writing and voice. And lots of strong verbs: crouched, slither, smoothed, crumpled ... all in the first paragraph! I'm intrigued to know what trouble has found Mateo ... who are these people who are looking for him?
I'm sort of digging for something to criticize here, so this is kind of picky, but "letter of hopeless dreams" took me out of the scene a bit. I had to think about what that might mean, and I'm still not sure. I think maybe it would be better just to say "letter" for now and then later we can learn more about what's in it.
Overall: Makes me long to be back in your crit group so I can read the rest, Lis!
Blue (Middle Grade), by Heather
"Are you sure that it is safe?" asked Prince Nicholas, gazing up the trunk of the large tree.
Kelly sighed and impatiently pushed a strand of blonde hair out of her eyes. "Yes, I'm sure. Don't be such a wimp."
"I'm not a wimp," Nicholas said, frowning.
"Then prove it. Race me to the top of the tree," Kelly said, shooting a challenging look at her cousin.
"Fine," said Nicholas, resolutely straightening his shoulders as he stood in front of the tree.
Kelly took her place on the opposite side of the tree. "Ready...set...go!" she said, and the two began climbing.
Starting with dialogue can be tricky business, but I think this works. "Are you sure it's safe?" sets us right down into some good conflict. Makes me think something bad is going to come of this tree-climbing race. Which is good! Get those characters into some hot water and keep them there. I'm also starting to get a sense of these characters ... one a bit more cautious than the other, which you've done a good job of showing us rather than telling us.
A couple of thoughts: First, we know Nicholas is a prince, which made me wonder what Kelly is. She must have some sort of noble title, and I'd like to know what that is.
Second, most of your dialogue tags follow the same pattern, which got repetitious for me: "asked, gazing"; "said, frowning"; "said, shooting"; "said, straightening." I would just delete the tag on a couple of those. For example: "Then prove it. Race me to the top of the tree." Kelly shot a challenging look at her cousin. "Fine." Nicholas straightened his shoulders. If you have the action follow the quote, we know who's talking and don't need the tag. (And in that last sentence, I don't think we need "as he stood in front of the tree" since we already know he was gazing up its trunk.)
Overall: Hard to tell from this small snippet, but it seems as though you have two engaging characters, and I want to know what happens when they get to the top of that tree.
Triple Threat: A Theatre Novel in Three Acts (Middle Grade), by Steve
Act One
Permission to Audition
Overture
I was in kindergarten the first time I ever saw Duncan Kirby. He was on stage dressed in a penguin suit, tap dancing with eleven other five and six-year-olds in a Sunday matinee of Mr. Popper’s Penguins at the Fremont Gap Community Theatre, better known as FGCT, over six years ago.
That was the day I decided to become an actor.
My name is Wyatt Appleby. I’ll be twelve as of 10:42 today, Friday, August 24. Monday I start sixth grade at James Van Allen Middle School here in Fremont Gap, Iowa, home of the University of Western Iowa. Go Cougars!
And I am in love.
There’s no girl involved. No, I am in love with Theatre. Theatre with a capital T. (And an RE at the end instead of an ER.)
I won’t give Duncan all the credit, but seeing a kid my own age so talented, I pictured me on stage, too. Every time I saw him in a show I wanted it even more.
Well, well. Wyatt Appleby is something else, isn't he? What a voice. I love that he knows exactly what time he turns twelve. I love that he spells Theatre with a capital T and an "re" at the end. I love that he decided to become an actor at the ripe old age of six. And the way he proclaims he’s in love … he clearly has a flair for drama. Terrific!
My thoughts, fairly picayune: (1) I’d save the “better known as FGCT” for later in the story. Got in the way a bit for me here in the first paragraph. (2) I think in that last paragraph it should be “I pictured myself….”
Overall: Not sure what a "theatre novel" is, but so far, so good! I definitely want to continue reading about this kid. Regardless of the plot, the theme, the story arc … your writing and voice are enough to draw me in. (Of course, the plot, theme and story arc all do need to be there in the final analysis.)
Declaration (Young Adult), by Cyndy
This isn't my story. Senior year, I was just the girl that scribbled in the back of the room. I wrote for the school newspaper, Dragon's Fire, reporting on homecoming preparations, chess club, the demands for more student parking on campus. The job came with the title Editor-in-Chief, one of those nobody positions that looks great on college applications.
My real claim to fame was being Abby's best friend. She and her boyfriend, Big John, were First Couple at Massey High School. Head cheerleader. Captain of the football team. Luck, or maybe Fate, had seated me behind Abby on our first day of kindergarten. People don't think much about those little things that day to day change the course of your life. But that friendship made me an insider for the next thirteen years. It was the reason I knew all the players in the drama to come. Big John and Abby. Siggi. Crazy Sam. Benji Franks.
It was Benji who told me: "Marcy, there are the immovable, the movable, and those who move. And in addition, there are those who move nothing more than a pencil, but who may be the strongest movers of all."
So, although this isn't my story, maybe it is my story to tell. And here it is: the events, the personalities, and maybe some commentary on life at Massey High as it unfolded that year. As I remember, it all started in Ms. Wheatley's Honors American Revolution class.
OK, this one went beyond my 12-word limit too, but hey, it’s my blog, and I can bend the rules when I want.
I can tell right off the bat I’m going to like Marcy. Partly because of my journalism background, I’m sure, but also because she knows her place in the world. She’s not a mover or a shaker, but she hangs with people who are and wants to report on them. An unusual viewpoint for us to hear a story from and one that intrigues me.
The writing here is great, very clean and clear. I think my only question is this: Although Marcy sees herself as a “reporter” in this tale, will she also have a stake in it? Because readers don’t care so much about things that happen, they care about the people they happen to. If Marcy is our narrator, I think it will work best if we see that she will in some way be affected by the outcome of events in the story.
Overall: Exceptional writing. I would definitely keep reading.
Thanks to Dhonielle, Lisa, Heather, Steve and Cyndy for allowing me to give my reactions to their first sentences. I invite all visitors to leave your own thoughts in the comments section. Continued best wishes for your works in progress!
Saturday, February 23, 2008
It's a Start: Work in Progress Edition II
Many thanks to those of you who responded to the first edition of It's a Start: Work in Progress and have submitted your first lines for comment! I have received six new "entries" so far, with a possible seventh coming. In the interest of keeping these posts to a reasonable length, I'm going to take a look at the first three on this post and the remainder later in the week.
If you are interested in submitting your novel's beginning for a future edition, please go ahead and leave the first 8-12 lines of your MG or YA work in progress in the comments section or send me a Personal Message via the Verla Kay Blue Boards (where I am known as LindaBudz).
Before we get started, the disclaimer: I'm not an agent or an editor and have no real standing to offer these critiques. My opinion may not reflect the opinion of anyone else in the kid-lit world, much less publishers, so please take my comments for what they are ... one person's reaction.
The Twelfth of Never (Middle Grade), by Brenda
Please make Elvis leave the building. Never mind this song, My Way, is the reason I’m named Presley. Forget I secretly love it. Just not like this, here, now.
The cheap school p.a. speakers crumple Mom’s favorite song like tin foil, then rattle it around the almost-empty cafeteria. And there’s no air, just thickly sweet Snickerdoodle exhaust from the lunch ladies baking at 7:50 a.m. And most of all, outside the far, far double doorway, I keep catching glimpses of Greenhaven Middle School’s Most Popular crowd.
My queasy tummy demands I stay put, even though standing here, next to Mrs. Beemer, will make me more visible to the hall dwellers if they ever come in. We’re on the stage, encircled by chairs. Mrs. Beemer bends to unzip her backpack, and the neckline of her dress sags, revealing her wrinkly chest in a giant bra. Could I feel any more uncomfortable?
She cranes her red face up at me. “Would you be a dear and go round everyone up?”
First let me say, I love the title! And the fact that the MC is named Presley. I also like the details here ... not "cookies" but "Snickerdoodles," not "doors" but "the far, far double doorway." We have sound (a rattling version of "My Way"), smell (the cookies), touch (a queasy stomach) and sight (Mrs. Breemer's wrinkly chest). We also have lots of little conflicts ... the secret love of the song, the embarrassment at seeing the teacher's cleavage, the concern about being spotted on stage by the popular crowd.
A couple of things tripped me up. First, and maybe I should be embarrassed to admit this, but I didn't even realize Elvis did a version of "My Way." I think most people associate that song with Sinatra and so the first paragraph would confuse them. Of course, kids might not even know the song at all and might just figure, OK, that was some old Presley song. So you might be safe. But, unless "My Way" is important and will come into play later, I might suggest substituting a song more strongly associated with The King.
Second, I was taken out of the story a little by the stage. None of my school cafeterias had stages, but maybe some do? Does this caf double as an auditorium at this school? Maybe that becomes clearer in the coming paragraphs.
Overall: I definitely want to read more. I want to know why our MC is on that stage!
Lure of the Moon (YA Fantasy), by Sue
Chapter One: A Time to Run
As Peter raced from the campsite his stomach quivered.
It wasn’t the heat from the cherry sun that had his brain sizzling.
Humiliation and gloom spurred his anger. As Peter ran, he vowed,
"Dad will never get that chance again!"
Hmm. Dad will never get what chance again? This vow definitely pulls me in. And since every kid can relate to feeling furious with his/her parents, this makes a great connection.
This entry was emailed to me in this format. Maybe the line breaks are a product of the email, but I got the impression it's intended to appear this way, a poetry form. Until recently, when I read Make Lemonade by Virginia Euwer Wolff, I'd have thought such a form would be distracting and tiresome, but in that book, I found I enjoyed it. If this novel is intended to follow that format, I think based on this brief excerpt it can be done well.
The one issue I had here was with the word "sizzling" in relation to the MC's brain. Didn't work for me ... I realize the phrase isn't meant to be literal, but it gave me a gross visual.
Overall: I'm not a big fantasy fan, but I'd keep reading to see where this is going, and, again, I am eager to learn what ill deed Dad has done!
Untitled, by Beth
If Maddrid found him first, the world's death was only a matter of time. The tribunal sat around the fire watching their leader in anticipation.
"He is twelve?" Their leader asked perusing a large file.
"Yes, sir," another replied.
"It says here-"
"It's a lie," The leader gave him a hard look, " I am sure of it, Oralabor."
"Does Maddrid know yet?"
"Not yet."
"Was it an accident?" Oralabor asked referring to the file.
"No, sir. It's his choice. He has had the opportunity."
"We must be sure."
"I am. He is the one. The only one."
OK, again, I'm not big on fantasy, but I am intrigued. What is the deal with this tribunal? Who is Maddrid? Why is he the only one? Who's the twelve year old in the file?
I did have a hard time following who is saying what. I think this needs to be made clear. I especially think we need to know which of these speakers is the MC and what his/her perspective and place within the scene is. A respected member of the tribunal? A spectator? Is the MC the "him" in the sentence "If Maddrid found him first ...." or is the twelve year old? I do appreciate the sense of mystery here, but I need a little more clarity, if that makes sense. Some internal monologue on the part of the MC might be a good way to do this.
Another potential issue, and this is something I learned from Miss Snark, is that big dangers such as the death of the world tend to interest readers less than personal dangers. That's not to say the world can't be in danger, but we also want to know what's at stake for your MC.
Overall: I'd like to have some more clarity, but again, I'm very intrigued to know who these characters are.
May thanks to Brenda, Sue and Beth for putting their work out here. I hope others will chime in with their impressions of these first sentences in the comments section. Best wishes for your works in progress!
If you are interested in submitting your novel's beginning for a future edition, please go ahead and leave the first 8-12 lines of your MG or YA work in progress in the comments section or send me a Personal Message via the Verla Kay Blue Boards (where I am known as LindaBudz).
Before we get started, the disclaimer: I'm not an agent or an editor and have no real standing to offer these critiques. My opinion may not reflect the opinion of anyone else in the kid-lit world, much less publishers, so please take my comments for what they are ... one person's reaction.
The Twelfth of Never (Middle Grade), by Brenda
Please make Elvis leave the building. Never mind this song, My Way, is the reason I’m named Presley. Forget I secretly love it. Just not like this, here, now.
The cheap school p.a. speakers crumple Mom’s favorite song like tin foil, then rattle it around the almost-empty cafeteria. And there’s no air, just thickly sweet Snickerdoodle exhaust from the lunch ladies baking at 7:50 a.m. And most of all, outside the far, far double doorway, I keep catching glimpses of Greenhaven Middle School’s Most Popular crowd.
My queasy tummy demands I stay put, even though standing here, next to Mrs. Beemer, will make me more visible to the hall dwellers if they ever come in. We’re on the stage, encircled by chairs. Mrs. Beemer bends to unzip her backpack, and the neckline of her dress sags, revealing her wrinkly chest in a giant bra. Could I feel any more uncomfortable?
She cranes her red face up at me. “Would you be a dear and go round everyone up?”
First let me say, I love the title! And the fact that the MC is named Presley. I also like the details here ... not "cookies" but "Snickerdoodles," not "doors" but "the far, far double doorway." We have sound (a rattling version of "My Way"), smell (the cookies), touch (a queasy stomach) and sight (Mrs. Breemer's wrinkly chest). We also have lots of little conflicts ... the secret love of the song, the embarrassment at seeing the teacher's cleavage, the concern about being spotted on stage by the popular crowd.
A couple of things tripped me up. First, and maybe I should be embarrassed to admit this, but I didn't even realize Elvis did a version of "My Way." I think most people associate that song with Sinatra and so the first paragraph would confuse them. Of course, kids might not even know the song at all and might just figure, OK, that was some old Presley song. So you might be safe. But, unless "My Way" is important and will come into play later, I might suggest substituting a song more strongly associated with The King.
Second, I was taken out of the story a little by the stage. None of my school cafeterias had stages, but maybe some do? Does this caf double as an auditorium at this school? Maybe that becomes clearer in the coming paragraphs.
Overall: I definitely want to read more. I want to know why our MC is on that stage!
Lure of the Moon (YA Fantasy), by Sue
Chapter One: A Time to Run
As Peter raced from the campsite his stomach quivered.
It wasn’t the heat from the cherry sun that had his brain sizzling.
Humiliation and gloom spurred his anger. As Peter ran, he vowed,
"Dad will never get that chance again!"
Hmm. Dad will never get what chance again? This vow definitely pulls me in. And since every kid can relate to feeling furious with his/her parents, this makes a great connection.
This entry was emailed to me in this format. Maybe the line breaks are a product of the email, but I got the impression it's intended to appear this way, a poetry form. Until recently, when I read Make Lemonade by Virginia Euwer Wolff, I'd have thought such a form would be distracting and tiresome, but in that book, I found I enjoyed it. If this novel is intended to follow that format, I think based on this brief excerpt it can be done well.
The one issue I had here was with the word "sizzling" in relation to the MC's brain. Didn't work for me ... I realize the phrase isn't meant to be literal, but it gave me a gross visual.
Overall: I'm not a big fantasy fan, but I'd keep reading to see where this is going, and, again, I am eager to learn what ill deed Dad has done!
Untitled, by Beth
If Maddrid found him first, the world's death was only a matter of time. The tribunal sat around the fire watching their leader in anticipation.
"He is twelve?" Their leader asked perusing a large file.
"Yes, sir," another replied.
"It says here-"
"It's a lie," The leader gave him a hard look, " I am sure of it, Oralabor."
"Does Maddrid know yet?"
"Not yet."
"Was it an accident?" Oralabor asked referring to the file.
"No, sir. It's his choice. He has had the opportunity."
"We must be sure."
"I am. He is the one. The only one."
OK, again, I'm not big on fantasy, but I am intrigued. What is the deal with this tribunal? Who is Maddrid? Why is he the only one? Who's the twelve year old in the file?
I did have a hard time following who is saying what. I think this needs to be made clear. I especially think we need to know which of these speakers is the MC and what his/her perspective and place within the scene is. A respected member of the tribunal? A spectator? Is the MC the "him" in the sentence "If Maddrid found him first ...." or is the twelve year old? I do appreciate the sense of mystery here, but I need a little more clarity, if that makes sense. Some internal monologue on the part of the MC might be a good way to do this.
Another potential issue, and this is something I learned from Miss Snark, is that big dangers such as the death of the world tend to interest readers less than personal dangers. That's not to say the world can't be in danger, but we also want to know what's at stake for your MC.
Overall: I'd like to have some more clarity, but again, I'm very intrigued to know who these characters are.
May thanks to Brenda, Sue and Beth for putting their work out here. I hope others will chime in with their impressions of these first sentences in the comments section. Best wishes for your works in progress!
Saturday, February 9, 2008
It's a Start: Work in Progress Edition
Welcome to the first "Work in Progress" edition of It's a Start! Instead of examining the first sentences of published books, as previous editions have done, this entry will take a look at the first 8 to 12 sentences of manuscripts currently "under construction" by fellow kid-lit writers.
While I look forward to sharing my thoughts on their first sentences, the real value to these writers will be in getting multiple reactions to their work. So please, leave your comments. (Note: honest, constructive criticism and/or kudos are welcome; snark is not.)
Disclaimer: I'm not an agent or an editor and have no real standing to offer these critiques. My opinion may not reflect the opinion of anyone else in the kid-lit world, much less publishers, so please take my comments for what they are ... one person's reaction.
Shift (Young Adult), by Kate
I had six weeks to come up with a plan for getting to California. It took me six days. Oh God, I was really doing this.
With a deep breath and a half-hearted prayer, I made my way through the airport terminal. It had seemed so simple when I first saw the flier for the sophomore summer research trip -- a perfect cover for finding Clara. Unfortunately, my internal alarm hadn’t blared until I stepped off the plane that brought me from St. Louis to Crescent City. Not good.
Outside the airport, a grungy looking guy in a dark coat knocked into me and mumbled an apology as he passed. I jerked my bag onto my shoulder and scanned the area for a cab. Alone and cursing myself, I hesitated when a taxi pulled up to the curb.
“Hey, miss! You getting in or what?” The cab driver’s voice jolted me out of my panic.
Lots of good stuff here. Kate does a great job of revealing just enough about what is happening to pique our interest without laying out all her cards. I want to find out who Clara is and why the MC is looking for her.
I get the sense that the MC is enterprising and headstrong, and maybe a tad rash. What might have taken six weeks only took her six days ... but now she's having second thoughts. In any case, enterprising and headstrong are great traits for an MC, and being a tad rash is certainly a believable flaw for a teen.
Which brings me to something else Kate nails here ... weaving in a number of background details without being too obvious. We know that our MC is a sophomore (though it's not yet clear whether in high school or college), that it is summer, that she is from St. Louis, and that she is now in Crescent City, California. Well done!
Now, for the one thing that bothers me a bit here ... and again, maybe it's just me, so I'll be interested in seeing others' comments: Our MC refers to "my internal alarm," "cursing myself" and "my panic." These are strong words and emotions, which is great for indicating high stakes, but I don't feel as though I quite understand what she is referring to. Why is she feeling this way? Because she is rethinking the wisdom of finding Clara? Because she regrets traveling across country by herself? Or is there something else? Raising questions is good, but in this case, her sense of alarm leaves me feeling a bit lost and uncomfortable ... like I'm missing something. I would prefer to see a hint of context for it.
Overall: A terrific entry. I would definitely read on!
The Boy Who Ruined Everything (Middle Grade), by Dawn
A jet of flame shot past the window of Miss Morris’s fifth grade class. Everyone turned an accusatory look at David, who shrunk in his seat. Miss Morris barely hesitated as she wrote her sentence on the board, underlining the vocabulary words in pink chalk. “Louis, please read the sentence aloud for the class.”
David pretended to check his homework as Louis Corning stood up and recited, “The minions of Darkness ask for due penance and are paid a yearly tribute.” Louis had been David’s best friend back in first grade, but that was before. A lot of things had been different before.
Hmm, intriguing scene here. I am guessing we are in some sort of pseudo-fantasy world, maybe George-Orwell-meets-kid-lit? I want to know who the minions of Darkness are, why Louis and David are no longer best friends and what the heck David has to do with the shooting flame.
My only criticism is that I am not 100 percent sure who our MC is, though I am pretty certain it's David. I think my confusion has something to do with the actions in this scene. We have everyone turning, then David shrinking, then Miss Morris writing, then David pretending and then Louis standing up and reciting. It leaves me feeling as though we're bouncing around the room a bit much, and I might like to stay in David's head a little more. It's the last two sentences that most grab me and make me start to care about him. Maybe it could use just one or two more sentences after David shrinks in his seat so that we can focus on how he is feeling and what he is thinking.
Overall: Again, intriguing! I'm hooked!
Untitled (Middle Grade), by Lindsey
Not many people know that goat's eyeballs will bounce like one of those tiny super balls if they get away from you. By my stepmother's scream this afternoon, I figured she didn't know either. But hearing Meredith's glorious, glass-shattering wail was worth all the time it took to gather up all the eyeballs that had ricocheted off the kitchen walls and then wrap them back up in the brown butcher paper.
Meredith held her neck with one trembling hand and her breath sounded like the brown rabbit I found hurt on the side of the road last week. (The rabbit didn't make it, but I wound up drawing a picture of its feet once it had passed on.) "Till...," she said, "you...should label that...next time."
I started out the kitchen. "People don't usually snoop through my stuff."
Yes, the goat's eyeballs are mine, and they are most definitely real. My best friend, Benji, gave them to me when two of the old goats died on his dad's farm. They give me all kinds of animals parts when they're available.
OK, in the interest of full disclosure: I used to belong to a critique group with Lindsey and helped crit a funny MG manuscript of hers that I adored.
This is a new one for me, though, and so my first reaction when reading this is: More goats? Girl, what is it with you and the goats?
My next reaction is that I think I would once again adore this MS and this character. Till has a wonderful voice and comes across as funny and spunky. And this scene is plain funny.
We know that Till lives in a rural area and that she is not terribly fond of her stepmother. And we know these things because Lindsey has shown us, not because she has told us.
Potential thoughts for making it stronger: First, grammatically, I think we need to pluralize the goats and the eyes and the bouncing balls so they're all in sync in that first sentence. A couple of tweaks gives us: "Not many people know that goats' eyeballs will bounce like those tiny super balls if they get away from you."
Second, I didn't care for the parenthetical aside about the rabbit's feet. It took me out of this scene just as I was starting to get into it. I'd ditch it.
Finally, a question for Linds: Do you know for a fact that goats' eyes bounce? Cuz somebody out there is gonna know, so you want to make sure. And if you do know it for a fact ... um, how?!?
Overall: Lindsey's doing it again!
Untitled (Young Adult), by CC
If it wasn't for Kathleen O'Grady I wouldn't have this job at all, so I couldn't knock her for being an hour late with dinner, though it meant I'd have to take the bus back to my gangster Baltimore neighborhood instead of catching a ride with my cousin, Murphy. I would've blown it off, left, but Kathleen was bringing me college brochures and there was mention of a surprise as well. Last time she had a surprise I got an extra buck an hour pay raise.
Four weeks ago, just as school let out for the summer, Murphy got me on at the lawn care crew where he worked. His crew wore matching green T-shirts that read "Lawn Care, LLC," and, as the foreman, Murphy got to drive the kick-*** company truck, rows of mowers trailing behind in the flatbed, to their different jobs. I'd been tempted to take the wheel a few times, but I'd never been on Murphy's **** list before and I didn't want to be. That thick Irish body of his was apt enough to offer quite a beating. I'd seen him break someone's jaw with a single hit. Mostly, though, he was low-key. Minded his business. Worked and stayed out of trouble. Murphy was my favorite person in the whole world.
I like the voice here and the fact that we're easing into this character's world. Lives in a gangster neighborhood, works a summer job with a lawn care company, thinking about college. Admires his (her?) tough but quiet boss. Seems smart but not averse to street language. (And forgive my censorship, but I'm trying to overcome a black mark here.) We have no hint yet about the problem the MC faces, but this piece feels more literary to me, so I'm good with that.
Suggestions: Technically, the third word in the first sentence should be "weren't." Of course, this is written in first person, and maybe the main character wouldn't say that. I struggle with whether to make sure things are grammatically correct in my own writing, which also tends to be in first person, but I usually err on the side of being correct (occasional colloquialisms, slang and "teen talk" excepted).
I wondered whether the MC would refer to his/her neighborhood as "my gangster Baltimore neighborhood"? Do people who live in gangster neighborhoods think of them that way? I imagine some do, and that it depends on the person and the circumstances. My thought is that because this person refers to it that way, he or she is angry about the gang activity.
Finally, I like the second paragraph, but the first phrase, "Four weeks ago...." made me brace myself for backstory. My initial reaction was along the lines of, "Oh no, we're one paragraph into the opening scene and she's giving us backstory?" As I read on, I found the paragraph interesting and relevant, so it didn't bother me, so I'd suggest maybe flipping that first sentence around: "Murphy got me on at the lawn care crew four weeks ago, just as school let out for the summer."
Overall: I want to know more about this person and his/her life, which I'm certain is very different from my own. I'm reading on!
Many thanks to the four talented writers who agreed to participate in this exercise! I hope this is helpful, and I hope many of you will share your reactions to their first sentences. What do you like? What could be improved? Do you agree with my comments or am I out in left field? Let’s hear it!
While I look forward to sharing my thoughts on their first sentences, the real value to these writers will be in getting multiple reactions to their work. So please, leave your comments. (Note: honest, constructive criticism and/or kudos are welcome; snark is not.)
Disclaimer: I'm not an agent or an editor and have no real standing to offer these critiques. My opinion may not reflect the opinion of anyone else in the kid-lit world, much less publishers, so please take my comments for what they are ... one person's reaction.
Shift (Young Adult), by Kate
I had six weeks to come up with a plan for getting to California. It took me six days. Oh God, I was really doing this.
With a deep breath and a half-hearted prayer, I made my way through the airport terminal. It had seemed so simple when I first saw the flier for the sophomore summer research trip -- a perfect cover for finding Clara. Unfortunately, my internal alarm hadn’t blared until I stepped off the plane that brought me from St. Louis to Crescent City. Not good.
Outside the airport, a grungy looking guy in a dark coat knocked into me and mumbled an apology as he passed. I jerked my bag onto my shoulder and scanned the area for a cab. Alone and cursing myself, I hesitated when a taxi pulled up to the curb.
“Hey, miss! You getting in or what?” The cab driver’s voice jolted me out of my panic.
Lots of good stuff here. Kate does a great job of revealing just enough about what is happening to pique our interest without laying out all her cards. I want to find out who Clara is and why the MC is looking for her.
I get the sense that the MC is enterprising and headstrong, and maybe a tad rash. What might have taken six weeks only took her six days ... but now she's having second thoughts. In any case, enterprising and headstrong are great traits for an MC, and being a tad rash is certainly a believable flaw for a teen.
Which brings me to something else Kate nails here ... weaving in a number of background details without being too obvious. We know that our MC is a sophomore (though it's not yet clear whether in high school or college), that it is summer, that she is from St. Louis, and that she is now in Crescent City, California. Well done!
Now, for the one thing that bothers me a bit here ... and again, maybe it's just me, so I'll be interested in seeing others' comments: Our MC refers to "my internal alarm," "cursing myself" and "my panic." These are strong words and emotions, which is great for indicating high stakes, but I don't feel as though I quite understand what she is referring to. Why is she feeling this way? Because she is rethinking the wisdom of finding Clara? Because she regrets traveling across country by herself? Or is there something else? Raising questions is good, but in this case, her sense of alarm leaves me feeling a bit lost and uncomfortable ... like I'm missing something. I would prefer to see a hint of context for it.
Overall: A terrific entry. I would definitely read on!
The Boy Who Ruined Everything (Middle Grade), by Dawn
A jet of flame shot past the window of Miss Morris’s fifth grade class. Everyone turned an accusatory look at David, who shrunk in his seat. Miss Morris barely hesitated as she wrote her sentence on the board, underlining the vocabulary words in pink chalk. “Louis, please read the sentence aloud for the class.”
David pretended to check his homework as Louis Corning stood up and recited, “The minions of Darkness ask for due penance and are paid a yearly tribute.” Louis had been David’s best friend back in first grade, but that was before. A lot of things had been different before.
Hmm, intriguing scene here. I am guessing we are in some sort of pseudo-fantasy world, maybe George-Orwell-meets-kid-lit? I want to know who the minions of Darkness are, why Louis and David are no longer best friends and what the heck David has to do with the shooting flame.
My only criticism is that I am not 100 percent sure who our MC is, though I am pretty certain it's David. I think my confusion has something to do with the actions in this scene. We have everyone turning, then David shrinking, then Miss Morris writing, then David pretending and then Louis standing up and reciting. It leaves me feeling as though we're bouncing around the room a bit much, and I might like to stay in David's head a little more. It's the last two sentences that most grab me and make me start to care about him. Maybe it could use just one or two more sentences after David shrinks in his seat so that we can focus on how he is feeling and what he is thinking.
Overall: Again, intriguing! I'm hooked!
Untitled (Middle Grade), by Lindsey
Not many people know that goat's eyeballs will bounce like one of those tiny super balls if they get away from you. By my stepmother's scream this afternoon, I figured she didn't know either. But hearing Meredith's glorious, glass-shattering wail was worth all the time it took to gather up all the eyeballs that had ricocheted off the kitchen walls and then wrap them back up in the brown butcher paper.
Meredith held her neck with one trembling hand and her breath sounded like the brown rabbit I found hurt on the side of the road last week. (The rabbit didn't make it, but I wound up drawing a picture of its feet once it had passed on.) "Till...," she said, "you...should label that...next time."
I started out the kitchen. "People don't usually snoop through my stuff."
Yes, the goat's eyeballs are mine, and they are most definitely real. My best friend, Benji, gave them to me when two of the old goats died on his dad's farm. They give me all kinds of animals parts when they're available.
OK, in the interest of full disclosure: I used to belong to a critique group with Lindsey and helped crit a funny MG manuscript of hers that I adored.
This is a new one for me, though, and so my first reaction when reading this is: More goats? Girl, what is it with you and the goats?
My next reaction is that I think I would once again adore this MS and this character. Till has a wonderful voice and comes across as funny and spunky. And this scene is plain funny.
We know that Till lives in a rural area and that she is not terribly fond of her stepmother. And we know these things because Lindsey has shown us, not because she has told us.
Potential thoughts for making it stronger: First, grammatically, I think we need to pluralize the goats and the eyes and the bouncing balls so they're all in sync in that first sentence. A couple of tweaks gives us: "Not many people know that goats' eyeballs will bounce like those tiny super balls if they get away from you."
Second, I didn't care for the parenthetical aside about the rabbit's feet. It took me out of this scene just as I was starting to get into it. I'd ditch it.
Finally, a question for Linds: Do you know for a fact that goats' eyes bounce? Cuz somebody out there is gonna know, so you want to make sure. And if you do know it for a fact ... um, how?!?
Overall: Lindsey's doing it again!
Untitled (Young Adult), by CC
If it wasn't for Kathleen O'Grady I wouldn't have this job at all, so I couldn't knock her for being an hour late with dinner, though it meant I'd have to take the bus back to my gangster Baltimore neighborhood instead of catching a ride with my cousin, Murphy. I would've blown it off, left, but Kathleen was bringing me college brochures and there was mention of a surprise as well. Last time she had a surprise I got an extra buck an hour pay raise.
Four weeks ago, just as school let out for the summer, Murphy got me on at the lawn care crew where he worked. His crew wore matching green T-shirts that read "Lawn Care, LLC," and, as the foreman, Murphy got to drive the kick-*** company truck, rows of mowers trailing behind in the flatbed, to their different jobs. I'd been tempted to take the wheel a few times, but I'd never been on Murphy's **** list before and I didn't want to be. That thick Irish body of his was apt enough to offer quite a beating. I'd seen him break someone's jaw with a single hit. Mostly, though, he was low-key. Minded his business. Worked and stayed out of trouble. Murphy was my favorite person in the whole world.
I like the voice here and the fact that we're easing into this character's world. Lives in a gangster neighborhood, works a summer job with a lawn care company, thinking about college. Admires his (her?) tough but quiet boss. Seems smart but not averse to street language. (And forgive my censorship, but I'm trying to overcome a black mark here.) We have no hint yet about the problem the MC faces, but this piece feels more literary to me, so I'm good with that.
Suggestions: Technically, the third word in the first sentence should be "weren't." Of course, this is written in first person, and maybe the main character wouldn't say that. I struggle with whether to make sure things are grammatically correct in my own writing, which also tends to be in first person, but I usually err on the side of being correct (occasional colloquialisms, slang and "teen talk" excepted).
I wondered whether the MC would refer to his/her neighborhood as "my gangster Baltimore neighborhood"? Do people who live in gangster neighborhoods think of them that way? I imagine some do, and that it depends on the person and the circumstances. My thought is that because this person refers to it that way, he or she is angry about the gang activity.
Finally, I like the second paragraph, but the first phrase, "Four weeks ago...." made me brace myself for backstory. My initial reaction was along the lines of, "Oh no, we're one paragraph into the opening scene and she's giving us backstory?" As I read on, I found the paragraph interesting and relevant, so it didn't bother me, so I'd suggest maybe flipping that first sentence around: "Murphy got me on at the lawn care crew four weeks ago, just as school let out for the summer."
Overall: I want to know more about this person and his/her life, which I'm certain is very different from my own. I'm reading on!
Many thanks to the four talented writers who agreed to participate in this exercise! I hope this is helpful, and I hope many of you will share your reactions to their first sentences. What do you like? What could be improved? Do you agree with my comments or am I out in left field? Let’s hear it!
Friday, February 1, 2008
Lessons on Great Starts
UPDATE 1: Instead of the first sentence of the works in progress, I am going to ask for the first 8-10 sentences, as I think that will give us a better feel for the writing and the story. So far I have five writers interested in participating. If you'd like to participate as well, please leave a comment with your submission or with info on how to reach you. Thanks!
UPDATE 2: Nathan Bransford has picked the finalists for his First Pages Contest. Alas, my entry is not among them. But some truly amazing first pages are! Check them out and vote for your favorite here.
UPDATE 2(b) Nathan just posted the winner of the contest ... very much a deserving first page! And, he named his top 10, including mine! Yippee!
A two-part post here. First, I wanted direct any of you who are interested in writing novels to some fantabulous advice regarding first pages being doled out over on agent Nathan Bransford's blog (the advice begins about a third of the way down in that entry).
Nathan is in the midst of judging a first-pages contest in which he received a mind-numbing 620 or so entries (including mine ... you can go here and do a search for "lindabudz" if you're inclined to check out the first page of my current WIP). Warning: It might take a minute for that page to load. Did I mention he had 600+ entries?
Anyway, reading all those openings has led Nathan to a few revelations about what works and what doesn't. And if you scan through a handful of them, you'll probably see what he means. Interesting stuff.
Secondly, in a brouhaha too convoluted to discuss here, many entrants expressed a desire in Nathan's comments section for critiques from their fellow writers.
This gave me an idea, and so I've decided to institute a new edition of my "It's a Start" feature in which I will give my opinions on the first sentence (or so) of kid lit writers' works in progress. This will not replace the regular "It's a Start" feature but will be posted in addition to it on occasion. I've had some interest from a couple of writers and am hoping it will build on itself.
If you'd like your first sentence(s) included, please leave me a comment and I'll work out the logistics from there. Thanks!
UPDATE 2: Nathan Bransford has picked the finalists for his First Pages Contest. Alas, my entry is not among them. But some truly amazing first pages are! Check them out and vote for your favorite here.
UPDATE 2(b) Nathan just posted the winner of the contest ... very much a deserving first page! And, he named his top 10, including mine! Yippee!
A two-part post here. First, I wanted direct any of you who are interested in writing novels to some fantabulous advice regarding first pages being doled out over on agent Nathan Bransford's blog (the advice begins about a third of the way down in that entry).
Nathan is in the midst of judging a first-pages contest in which he received a mind-numbing 620 or so entries (including mine ... you can go here and do a search for "lindabudz" if you're inclined to check out the first page of my current WIP). Warning: It might take a minute for that page to load. Did I mention he had 600+ entries?
Anyway, reading all those openings has led Nathan to a few revelations about what works and what doesn't. And if you scan through a handful of them, you'll probably see what he means. Interesting stuff.
Secondly, in a brouhaha too convoluted to discuss here, many entrants expressed a desire in Nathan's comments section for critiques from their fellow writers.
This gave me an idea, and so I've decided to institute a new edition of my "It's a Start" feature in which I will give my opinions on the first sentence (or so) of kid lit writers' works in progress. This will not replace the regular "It's a Start" feature but will be posted in addition to it on occasion. I've had some interest from a couple of writers and am hoping it will build on itself.
If you'd like your first sentence(s) included, please leave me a comment and I'll work out the logistics from there. Thanks!
Thursday, January 3, 2008
It's a Start, Part VI
It's a Start is an occasional feature that takes a look at the first sentence (or so) of books picked randomly from the Acorn bookshelves. You can find Parts I-V here.
We have a great crop today, some real winners! As always, if you feel differently, let your voice be heard in the comments section! Note: Maximum number of stars = 5.
You are not going to believe me, nobody in their right minds could possibly believe me, but it's true, really it is! When I woke up this morning, I found I'd turned into my mother. Freaky Friday, by Mary Rodgers
Well, they say you should start the story at the point where something unusual happens to your protagonist. This'll do! We have voice and we have conflict. Oh, do we have conflict. A teenager's worst nightmare. Stars: ****
You'd think I could spend the night at a friend's house without finding myself knee-deep in pig poop. Sammy Keyes and the Curse of Moustache Mary, by Wendelin Van Draanen
Knee-deep in pig poop? Hold my calls, honey, I have some reading to do! Stars: *****
From his perch behind the clock, Hugo could see everything. The Invention of Hugo Cabret, by Brian Selznick
This is the first written sentence of Chapter One of "Hugo Cabret," but as anyone familiar with the book knows, it is hardly the beginning. We have already followed Hugo through a Paris train station and up the steps to the clock through Selznick's illustrations. Still, it's a great first sentence. Why is Hugo perched behind a clock? And what is meant by "everything"? I have a feeling we're about to find out. Stars: ****
RULES FOR DAVID. Chew with your mouth closed. Say "thank you" when someone gives you a present (even if you don't like it). When someone says "hi," you say "hi" back. Rules, by Cynthia Lord
If you haven't read "Rules," these first sentences appear as part of a handwritten list placed before the first chapter, as a sort of prologue. (And there are five additional rules on the list, for a total of eight.) It's a perfect beginning for this book, for a number of reasons. First, it grabs the reader's attention. A handwritten note is unusual and has a very personal feel to it. Second, though the first two rules are ordinary enough and might be applicable to any child (heck, I have to be reminded sometimes, and I'm, er, older than a child), when you get to the third rule, you start to wonder about David. Who is he, and why does he need to be told such a thing? And third, this list sets the stage for the book as a whole, in which David's rules play a major thematic role. Stars: *****
I'll be a millionaire by the time I turn thirty-five. Successful. Independent. Abbey Garner -- Self-made financial genius. Beauty Shop for Rent, by Laura Bowers
Again, this is the start of a brief prologue to the book. I like this because it tells us a lot about the character, and it makes us want to learn more about her. And even though technically it is "telling" and not "showing," it sort of "shows" us that this is one determined, self-confident girl, by virtue of the fact that she would make these predictions so matter-of-factly. Stars: ***
Bonus Start: Hypothetical Question of the Week: If you were forced to have an extra body part implanted on your back, which would you choose? A finger, ear, breast or nose? Beauty Shop for Rent, by Laura Bowers
I just had to add the first sentence of Chapter One of Laura's book as a bonus. While the first sentence of her prologue draws us in and makes us want to learn more about her character, the first sentence of the body of the book is just plain funny. And intriguing. And it's one of those probing first sentences that really makes the reader stop and think. (For the record, I'd go for a finger ... that way I could scratch my own back!) Stars: ****
We have a great crop today, some real winners! As always, if you feel differently, let your voice be heard in the comments section! Note: Maximum number of stars = 5.
You are not going to believe me, nobody in their right minds could possibly believe me, but it's true, really it is! When I woke up this morning, I found I'd turned into my mother. Freaky Friday, by Mary Rodgers
Well, they say you should start the story at the point where something unusual happens to your protagonist. This'll do! We have voice and we have conflict. Oh, do we have conflict. A teenager's worst nightmare. Stars: ****
You'd think I could spend the night at a friend's house without finding myself knee-deep in pig poop. Sammy Keyes and the Curse of Moustache Mary, by Wendelin Van Draanen
Knee-deep in pig poop? Hold my calls, honey, I have some reading to do! Stars: *****
From his perch behind the clock, Hugo could see everything. The Invention of Hugo Cabret, by Brian Selznick
This is the first written sentence of Chapter One of "Hugo Cabret," but as anyone familiar with the book knows, it is hardly the beginning. We have already followed Hugo through a Paris train station and up the steps to the clock through Selznick's illustrations. Still, it's a great first sentence. Why is Hugo perched behind a clock? And what is meant by "everything"? I have a feeling we're about to find out. Stars: ****
RULES FOR DAVID. Chew with your mouth closed. Say "thank you" when someone gives you a present (even if you don't like it). When someone says "hi," you say "hi" back. Rules, by Cynthia Lord
If you haven't read "Rules," these first sentences appear as part of a handwritten list placed before the first chapter, as a sort of prologue. (And there are five additional rules on the list, for a total of eight.) It's a perfect beginning for this book, for a number of reasons. First, it grabs the reader's attention. A handwritten note is unusual and has a very personal feel to it. Second, though the first two rules are ordinary enough and might be applicable to any child (heck, I have to be reminded sometimes, and I'm, er, older than a child), when you get to the third rule, you start to wonder about David. Who is he, and why does he need to be told such a thing? And third, this list sets the stage for the book as a whole, in which David's rules play a major thematic role. Stars: *****
I'll be a millionaire by the time I turn thirty-five. Successful. Independent. Abbey Garner -- Self-made financial genius. Beauty Shop for Rent, by Laura Bowers
Again, this is the start of a brief prologue to the book. I like this because it tells us a lot about the character, and it makes us want to learn more about her. And even though technically it is "telling" and not "showing," it sort of "shows" us that this is one determined, self-confident girl, by virtue of the fact that she would make these predictions so matter-of-factly. Stars: ***
Bonus Start: Hypothetical Question of the Week: If you were forced to have an extra body part implanted on your back, which would you choose? A finger, ear, breast or nose? Beauty Shop for Rent, by Laura Bowers
I just had to add the first sentence of Chapter One of Laura's book as a bonus. While the first sentence of her prologue draws us in and makes us want to learn more about her character, the first sentence of the body of the book is just plain funny. And intriguing. And it's one of those probing first sentences that really makes the reader stop and think. (For the record, I'd go for a finger ... that way I could scratch my own back!) Stars: ****
Monday, December 3, 2007
It's a Start, Part V
Today's "It's a Start" will highlight books from my high school AP English class ... way, way back in the day.
If you're new to this blog, It's a Start is an occasional feature in which we take a look at the first sentence (or so) of books picked randomly from the Acorn bookshelves (only this time it's not so random, I guess).
Each of the following books is considered a classic piece of literature, so let's see whether they manage to draw readers in with the first sentence, as today's authors are urged to do. Before we start, let me say that I tend not to care much for "classic literature," or any literature, for that matter. I prefer commercial, genre stuff. So if you disagree with these ratings, well, it's all good. Let me have it in the comments section. Note: Maximum # of stars = 5.
I had the story, bit by bit, from various people, and, as generally happens in such cases, each time it was a different story. Ethan Frome, by Edith Wharton
Intriguing start. We know that whatever tale is about to unfold has been told over and over, so it's gotta be good, right? I love the voice here, too. Not "I heard the story," but "I had the story." An unusual turn of phrase to launch the book. In the interest of full disclosure, I have a soft spot in my heart for Ethan Frome, as I wrote the essay portion of my AP exam on it. However, I am confident this first sentence deserves each and every one of its stars: *****
The towers of Zenith aspired above the morning mist; austere towers of steel and cement and limestone, sturdy as cliffs and delicate as silver rods. Babbit, by Sinclair Lewis
Well, it's literary, I'll give it that. Would today's author get away with a semicolon in the first sentence? Hmm. I do appreciate the word choices, especially "aspired." So much better than "rose." If I knew what silver rods were, maybe the contrasting imagery at the end would have worked better for me. Mixed feelings on this one. Stars: ***
If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. The Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger
Bingo!! Voice. Attitude. Even takes a swipe at a literary classic ... now, that's my kinda book! And, of course, the reader doesn't really want all that background stuff, anyway. We want to start where the action is, and that's precisely what this first sentence tells us our narrator is going to do. A great start to one of my all-time favorite books. (Hey, I said I "tend" not to go for classics ... there are of course some exceptions!) Stars: *****
When he was nearly thirteen, my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow. When it healed, and Jem's fears of never being able to play football were assuaged, he was seldom self-conscious about his injury. To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee
I love this book. I'm not so crazy about the first two sentences. But, um, it's Harper Lee. She seemed to know what she was doing. The day I can write a book one-tenth as compelling as Mockingbird is the day I'll criticize. Stars: ***
Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who was usually very late in the mornings, save upon those not infrequent occasions when he was up all night, was seated at the breakfast table. Hound of the Baskervilles, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Can't help but read that one with a British accent, can you? Wonderful voice. I also love that it starts us out with a little mystery. Why is Holmes at the breakfast table already? Was he up all night? Or is he up unusually early this morning, and if so, why? Sir Arthur has me hooked. Nicely done, old chap. Stars: ****
If you're new to this blog, It's a Start is an occasional feature in which we take a look at the first sentence (or so) of books picked randomly from the Acorn bookshelves (only this time it's not so random, I guess).
Each of the following books is considered a classic piece of literature, so let's see whether they manage to draw readers in with the first sentence, as today's authors are urged to do. Before we start, let me say that I tend not to care much for "classic literature," or any literature, for that matter. I prefer commercial, genre stuff. So if you disagree with these ratings, well, it's all good. Let me have it in the comments section. Note: Maximum # of stars = 5.
I had the story, bit by bit, from various people, and, as generally happens in such cases, each time it was a different story. Ethan Frome, by Edith Wharton
Intriguing start. We know that whatever tale is about to unfold has been told over and over, so it's gotta be good, right? I love the voice here, too. Not "I heard the story," but "I had the story." An unusual turn of phrase to launch the book. In the interest of full disclosure, I have a soft spot in my heart for Ethan Frome, as I wrote the essay portion of my AP exam on it. However, I am confident this first sentence deserves each and every one of its stars: *****
The towers of Zenith aspired above the morning mist; austere towers of steel and cement and limestone, sturdy as cliffs and delicate as silver rods. Babbit, by Sinclair Lewis
Well, it's literary, I'll give it that. Would today's author get away with a semicolon in the first sentence? Hmm. I do appreciate the word choices, especially "aspired." So much better than "rose." If I knew what silver rods were, maybe the contrasting imagery at the end would have worked better for me. Mixed feelings on this one. Stars: ***
If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. The Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger
Bingo!! Voice. Attitude. Even takes a swipe at a literary classic ... now, that's my kinda book! And, of course, the reader doesn't really want all that background stuff, anyway. We want to start where the action is, and that's precisely what this first sentence tells us our narrator is going to do. A great start to one of my all-time favorite books. (Hey, I said I "tend" not to go for classics ... there are of course some exceptions!) Stars: *****
When he was nearly thirteen, my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow. When it healed, and Jem's fears of never being able to play football were assuaged, he was seldom self-conscious about his injury. To Kill a Mockingbird, by Harper Lee
I love this book. I'm not so crazy about the first two sentences. But, um, it's Harper Lee. She seemed to know what she was doing. The day I can write a book one-tenth as compelling as Mockingbird is the day I'll criticize. Stars: ***
Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who was usually very late in the mornings, save upon those not infrequent occasions when he was up all night, was seated at the breakfast table. Hound of the Baskervilles, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Can't help but read that one with a British accent, can you? Wonderful voice. I also love that it starts us out with a little mystery. Why is Holmes at the breakfast table already? Was he up all night? Or is he up unusually early this morning, and if so, why? Sir Arthur has me hooked. Nicely done, old chap. Stars: ****
Monday, October 22, 2007
It's a Start, Part IV
Welcome once again to "It's a Start," in which we take the first sentence (or so) of five kids books plucked randomly off the Acorn bookshelves. To see installment I - III of this feature, go here. Note: Maximum # of stars = 5.
My name is Reed Walton. I'm seventeen years old, I live in New Jersey, and I've never had a girlfriend. The Girlfriend Project, by Robin Friedman.
The sentences are short and sweet (as teen boys' sentences often tend to be) ... and they get right to the point of the book. Between the title and this quick self-introduction, we can surmise that we're going to watch poor Reed try to hook up with Girlfriend No. 1. Gotta keep reading to find out how this turns out. Stars: ****
Once upon a time there was a pair of pants. They were an essential kind of pants - jeans, naturally, blue but not that stiff, new blue that you see so often on the first day of school. They were a soft, changeable blue with a little extra fading at the knees and the seat and white wavelets at the cuffs. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, by Ann Brasheres.
A few notable things about the start of the prologue to this series: (1) "Once upon a time..." tells us right off the bat we need to suspend our disbelief a bit for this book; (2) we know the pants are going to play a large role in it ... so much so, in fact, that Ann goes out of her way here to make sure we like them and feel "comfortable" with them; and (3) the voice comes across as clear as a bell in these few sentences. Stars: ***
If you think it's hard keeping track of all the Steps in my life, try being me. The Steps are the bazillion stepbrothers, stepsisters, and half siblings my parents keep laying on me. The Steps, by Rachel Cohn.
I like the voice here, and we learn right away where the title comes from and what it means. Also, we can guess that at least a few of those Steps are going to be a cause of conflict for our narrator. I did find that first sentence slightly confusing, though. Does she mean it's even harder for her to keep track of all the Steps than it is for us? Or that it's even harder to be her than to keep track of her Steps? (It may very well just be me, so if anyone has a better take on that sentence, please let me know.) Stars: **
Willa lingered around the water spigot as long as she could, wishing she had somewhere else to go but back home. The Miner's Daughter, by Gretchen Moran Laskas.
The name "Willa" and the fact that she is standing at a water spigot (and not one located in her kitchen or bathroom) gives us the immediate sense that this is a period piece. And, it introduces conflict and a question: Why doesn't she want to go back home? Stars: ****
It's a funny thing about names. Some are long, some are short, some mean something, others don't; but everyone and everything has one, or two or three. Little Dumpling Fish had four names. The Mysterious Disappearance of Leon (I Mean Noel), by Ellen Raskin.
Typical Raskin. We know names are going to play an important role in this mystery. We are introduced to a character named, um, Little Dumpling Fish. And we are told that she (he?) has four names. (And in case you're wondering whether "Little Dumpling Fish" counts as one or two or three of those names, the answer is two. "Little Dumpling" and "Fish" are two of her four names.) Weird, wild, wonderful. Stars: ****
My name is Reed Walton. I'm seventeen years old, I live in New Jersey, and I've never had a girlfriend. The Girlfriend Project, by Robin Friedman.
The sentences are short and sweet (as teen boys' sentences often tend to be) ... and they get right to the point of the book. Between the title and this quick self-introduction, we can surmise that we're going to watch poor Reed try to hook up with Girlfriend No. 1. Gotta keep reading to find out how this turns out. Stars: ****
Once upon a time there was a pair of pants. They were an essential kind of pants - jeans, naturally, blue but not that stiff, new blue that you see so often on the first day of school. They were a soft, changeable blue with a little extra fading at the knees and the seat and white wavelets at the cuffs. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, by Ann Brasheres.
A few notable things about the start of the prologue to this series: (1) "Once upon a time..." tells us right off the bat we need to suspend our disbelief a bit for this book; (2) we know the pants are going to play a large role in it ... so much so, in fact, that Ann goes out of her way here to make sure we like them and feel "comfortable" with them; and (3) the voice comes across as clear as a bell in these few sentences. Stars: ***
If you think it's hard keeping track of all the Steps in my life, try being me. The Steps are the bazillion stepbrothers, stepsisters, and half siblings my parents keep laying on me. The Steps, by Rachel Cohn.
I like the voice here, and we learn right away where the title comes from and what it means. Also, we can guess that at least a few of those Steps are going to be a cause of conflict for our narrator. I did find that first sentence slightly confusing, though. Does she mean it's even harder for her to keep track of all the Steps than it is for us? Or that it's even harder to be her than to keep track of her Steps? (It may very well just be me, so if anyone has a better take on that sentence, please let me know.) Stars: **
Willa lingered around the water spigot as long as she could, wishing she had somewhere else to go but back home. The Miner's Daughter, by Gretchen Moran Laskas.
The name "Willa" and the fact that she is standing at a water spigot (and not one located in her kitchen or bathroom) gives us the immediate sense that this is a period piece. And, it introduces conflict and a question: Why doesn't she want to go back home? Stars: ****
It's a funny thing about names. Some are long, some are short, some mean something, others don't; but everyone and everything has one, or two or three. Little Dumpling Fish had four names. The Mysterious Disappearance of Leon (I Mean Noel), by Ellen Raskin.
Typical Raskin. We know names are going to play an important role in this mystery. We are introduced to a character named, um, Little Dumpling Fish. And we are told that she (he?) has four names. (And in case you're wondering whether "Little Dumpling Fish" counts as one or two or three of those names, the answer is two. "Little Dumpling" and "Fish" are two of her four names.) Weird, wild, wonderful. Stars: ****
Monday, September 10, 2007
It’s a Start, Part III
Welcome once again to “It’s a Start,” a semi-regular feature in which we examine the first sentence (or so) of five kids books randomly selected from the Acorn bookshelves. You can check out earlier editions here and here. (Note: Maximum number of stars = 5.)
Herculeah Jones was restless. She went to the window and looked up and down the street. Everything seemed normal, but she could not shake the feeling that something was wrong. Tarot Says Beware (A Herculeah Jones Mystery), by Betsy Byars
Hmm, I appreciate the mood, but the verbs are weak: “was” “looked,” “seemed” (though “shake” is a good one). This is the first paragraph. It’s supposed to draw in the reader. These verbs may cut it further into the book, but not here. Stars: ***
It was the last week of the summer, and I felt like I should be getting ready, but there I was on Ethan’s back porch again, playing Monopoly, just like most other days this summer. In fact, we were playing the same exact game we’d started in June. Gracie’s Girl, by Ellen Wittlinger
This one breaks two important rules. First, it starts on a normal day. I once heard an editor say that if your story starts with a kid’s alarm waking her up on a Monday morning, you need to ditch that beginning and start instead at the point where something unusual is happening. Mitigating factor: Wittlinger does hint that the character is expecting change … that she feels she should be getting ready for a new school year.
Second, this starts with backstory! We learn what these kids have been doing all summer. Whatever happened to “no backstory in the first X-number of pages”? Again, though, I have to give Wittlinger her props. She gives us backstory so skillfully, we may not even notice that’s what she’s doing. And the part about the same Monopoly game going on since June is plain funny, and perhaps a bit tragic (at least to this Monopoly hater). Stars: ***
Lucky Trimble crouched in a wedge of shade behind the Dumpster. The Higher Power of Lucky, by Susan Patron
With all the attention given to a certain other sentence appearing on the first page of this book, I am glad to be able to give some credit where some serious credit is due: This is an awesome first sentence, from the main character’s name, to the terrific verb “crouched,” to the descriptive visual “wedge of shade,” to the location “behind the Dumpster” (and not just any dumpster, but a dumpster with a capital “D”)! I want to read on as much for the writing and the language as to find out why this kid is crouching behind the Dumpster. Stars: *****
I once believed life was a gift. I thought whatever I wanted I would someday possess. Green Angel, by Alice Hoffman
Full disclosure: I adore Alice Hoffman and devour everything she writes, but I hated this book. Just not my thing. That said, this opening does set the mood for what is a haunting YA novella. Aside from setting a mood and giving a glimpse of the main character, it doesn’t do much to pull me in. Stars: **
To snoop or not to snoop…. That’s no question. Whether it’s smarter to let sleeping dogs lie or to plunge in and follow a clue, I always do the same thing: Follow the clue. Give My Regards to Broadway (A Chet Gecko Mystery), by Bruce Hale
Love it! Anyone who enjoys mysteries has to love a snooper. And the first sentence’s take-off on Shakespeare is perfect for a story set on the stage of a school production of Omlet, Prince of Denver. Stars: *****
Herculeah Jones was restless. She went to the window and looked up and down the street. Everything seemed normal, but she could not shake the feeling that something was wrong. Tarot Says Beware (A Herculeah Jones Mystery), by Betsy Byars
Hmm, I appreciate the mood, but the verbs are weak: “was” “looked,” “seemed” (though “shake” is a good one). This is the first paragraph. It’s supposed to draw in the reader. These verbs may cut it further into the book, but not here. Stars: ***
It was the last week of the summer, and I felt like I should be getting ready, but there I was on Ethan’s back porch again, playing Monopoly, just like most other days this summer. In fact, we were playing the same exact game we’d started in June. Gracie’s Girl, by Ellen Wittlinger
This one breaks two important rules. First, it starts on a normal day. I once heard an editor say that if your story starts with a kid’s alarm waking her up on a Monday morning, you need to ditch that beginning and start instead at the point where something unusual is happening. Mitigating factor: Wittlinger does hint that the character is expecting change … that she feels she should be getting ready for a new school year.
Second, this starts with backstory! We learn what these kids have been doing all summer. Whatever happened to “no backstory in the first X-number of pages”? Again, though, I have to give Wittlinger her props. She gives us backstory so skillfully, we may not even notice that’s what she’s doing. And the part about the same Monopoly game going on since June is plain funny, and perhaps a bit tragic (at least to this Monopoly hater). Stars: ***
Lucky Trimble crouched in a wedge of shade behind the Dumpster. The Higher Power of Lucky, by Susan Patron
With all the attention given to a certain other sentence appearing on the first page of this book, I am glad to be able to give some credit where some serious credit is due: This is an awesome first sentence, from the main character’s name, to the terrific verb “crouched,” to the descriptive visual “wedge of shade,” to the location “behind the Dumpster” (and not just any dumpster, but a dumpster with a capital “D”)! I want to read on as much for the writing and the language as to find out why this kid is crouching behind the Dumpster. Stars: *****
I once believed life was a gift. I thought whatever I wanted I would someday possess. Green Angel, by Alice Hoffman
Full disclosure: I adore Alice Hoffman and devour everything she writes, but I hated this book. Just not my thing. That said, this opening does set the mood for what is a haunting YA novella. Aside from setting a mood and giving a glimpse of the main character, it doesn’t do much to pull me in. Stars: **
To snoop or not to snoop…. That’s no question. Whether it’s smarter to let sleeping dogs lie or to plunge in and follow a clue, I always do the same thing: Follow the clue. Give My Regards to Broadway (A Chet Gecko Mystery), by Bruce Hale
Love it! Anyone who enjoys mysteries has to love a snooper. And the first sentence’s take-off on Shakespeare is perfect for a story set on the stage of a school production of Omlet, Prince of Denver. Stars: *****
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
It's a Start ... (Part II)
Time once again for "It's a Start," where we take a look at the first sentence (or so) of five kids books randomly selected from my bookshelves. (You can check out the first edition here.) (Note: Maximum number of stars = 5.)
"Brad? Brad Stanislowski? Did you hear me?" / My pencil freezes mid-doodle. Funerals & Fly Fishing, by Mary Barter
Uh oh, someone's in trouble. Great way to start a book! I also like the strong verb, "freezes," and the fact that she managed to get in two fun words right off the bat: "Stanislowski" and "mid-doodle." Stars: ****
My dad's relatives live in Tennessee. Once, on a trip, we stopped in Bristol for lunch. Alice on Her Way, by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
Frankly, not much to work with here. But, hey, it's Phyllis Reynolds Naylor. Guess when you have the creds, you can relax those "first-line-must-knock-the-editor's-socks-off" standards. (The rest of the book IS terrific, BTW). Stars: *
My name is Dovey Coe, and I reckon it don't matter if you like me or not. Dovey Coe, by Frances O'Roark Dowell
This has a strong voice, and it raises the question: Why wouldn't we like you? Stars: ****
I hate my father. I hate school. I hate being fat. I hate my principal because he wanted to fire Ms. Finney, my English teacher. The Cat Ate My Gymsuit, by Paula Danziger
OK! Lots of conflict here! The potential danger with this beginning is that the reader might start off disliking a protagonist that seems to hate everyone and everything ... but note that Danziger cleverly hints at the fact that she must like at least one person, Ms. Finney. Makes you want to know why, doesn't it? Stars: ****
If you are interested in stories with happy endings, you would be better off reading some other book. A Series of Unfortunate Events, by Lemony Snicket
Sure to become a classic. This one breaks all the rules: gives away something about the ending ... addresses the reader in second person ... invites the reader to put the book down, for crying out loud! Gotta love it. Stars: *****
Your thoughts?
"Brad? Brad Stanislowski? Did you hear me?" / My pencil freezes mid-doodle. Funerals & Fly Fishing, by Mary Barter
Uh oh, someone's in trouble. Great way to start a book! I also like the strong verb, "freezes," and the fact that she managed to get in two fun words right off the bat: "Stanislowski" and "mid-doodle." Stars: ****
My dad's relatives live in Tennessee. Once, on a trip, we stopped in Bristol for lunch. Alice on Her Way, by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
Frankly, not much to work with here. But, hey, it's Phyllis Reynolds Naylor. Guess when you have the creds, you can relax those "first-line-must-knock-the-editor's-socks-off" standards. (The rest of the book IS terrific, BTW). Stars: *
My name is Dovey Coe, and I reckon it don't matter if you like me or not. Dovey Coe, by Frances O'Roark Dowell
This has a strong voice, and it raises the question: Why wouldn't we like you? Stars: ****
I hate my father. I hate school. I hate being fat. I hate my principal because he wanted to fire Ms. Finney, my English teacher. The Cat Ate My Gymsuit, by Paula Danziger
OK! Lots of conflict here! The potential danger with this beginning is that the reader might start off disliking a protagonist that seems to hate everyone and everything ... but note that Danziger cleverly hints at the fact that she must like at least one person, Ms. Finney. Makes you want to know why, doesn't it? Stars: ****
If you are interested in stories with happy endings, you would be better off reading some other book. A Series of Unfortunate Events, by Lemony Snicket
Sure to become a classic. This one breaks all the rules: gives away something about the ending ... addresses the reader in second person ... invites the reader to put the book down, for crying out loud! Gotta love it. Stars: *****
Your thoughts?
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
It’s a Start …
… the first in an occasional series of posts where we take a look at the first line (or so) of randomly selected children’s books. The only thing these books have in common is that I happen to have them on my shelves.
Disclaimer: All commentary is solely the opinion of the author of this blog and is therefore worth no more than the paper it’s written on. Conflicting opinions most welcome in the comments section.
It is a sad and shocking fact of my young life that my parents named me Mary Elizabeth Cep by mistake. I’ve known since I was five that my true name is Lola. Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, by Dyan Sheldon.
Love this. Girl’s got voice! The conflict here is sort of silly, but we know we’re in for a fun story. Stars: ****
The sun sets in the west (just about everyone knows that), but Sunset Towers faced east. Strange! The Westing Game, by Ellen Raskin.
An odd beginning for an odd story. I don’t like having parentheses in the first sentence, and having the immediate conflict center around directionals is a little bizarre. But, we sense right away that something is amiss at Sunset Towers. And this is one of my favorite books of all time, so…. Stars: ***
”Where’s Papa going with that ax?” Charlotte’s Web, by E.B. White.
Widely recognized as one of the greatest opening lines of all time … and for good reason. Stars: *****
My sister Mary Beth was a song reader. The Song Reader, by Lisa Tucker.
Um, OK. I have no idea what that means. Hmm. Think I’ll keep reading. Stars: ****
Harriet was trying to explain to Sport how to play Town. Harriet the Spy, by Louise Fitzhugh.
Intriguing, but a little confusing, especially since “Sport” is an odd name for a boy and “Town” is an odd name for a game. But again, one of my favorite books in the world. Stars: ***
Your thoughts?
Disclaimer: All commentary is solely the opinion of the author of this blog and is therefore worth no more than the paper it’s written on. Conflicting opinions most welcome in the comments section.
It is a sad and shocking fact of my young life that my parents named me Mary Elizabeth Cep by mistake. I’ve known since I was five that my true name is Lola. Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, by Dyan Sheldon.
Love this. Girl’s got voice! The conflict here is sort of silly, but we know we’re in for a fun story. Stars: ****
The sun sets in the west (just about everyone knows that), but Sunset Towers faced east. Strange! The Westing Game, by Ellen Raskin.
An odd beginning for an odd story. I don’t like having parentheses in the first sentence, and having the immediate conflict center around directionals is a little bizarre. But, we sense right away that something is amiss at Sunset Towers. And this is one of my favorite books of all time, so…. Stars: ***
”Where’s Papa going with that ax?” Charlotte’s Web, by E.B. White.
Widely recognized as one of the greatest opening lines of all time … and for good reason. Stars: *****
My sister Mary Beth was a song reader. The Song Reader, by Lisa Tucker.
Um, OK. I have no idea what that means. Hmm. Think I’ll keep reading. Stars: ****
Harriet was trying to explain to Sport how to play Town. Harriet the Spy, by Louise Fitzhugh.
Intriguing, but a little confusing, especially since “Sport” is an odd name for a boy and “Town” is an odd name for a game. But again, one of my favorite books in the world. Stars: ***
Your thoughts?
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